Doctors Say the Darndest Things! Humorous quotes and anecdotes contributed by the MD people

Contributed by Tom Jordan:

• We don't know what causes it, and we have no cure for it.
  
• You will not go blind, but reading and driving will be difficult.
  
• Your condition is stable.
  
• Take zinc.
  
• Return in a month (a week, a year, etc.)

Contributed by Dan Roberts:

• Avoid bright light. Now let's get those fundus photos taken.
  
• You are too young to have MD.
  
• We could use the laser, but then you'll have these huge black spots.
  
• These drops might sting.
  
• Please wait in here. I'll be right back.
  
• Bilberry? Where on earth did you get that idea?
  
• Vitamin A couldn't hurt.
  
• Vitamin A could kill you.
  
• You have MD. Read this. Goodbye.

Contributed by Ruth Oreck:

• Herbs? I know nothing about herbs! Ha ha!

Contributed by Donna Broadstock:

• I'm sure you can see it. Let's keep trying.
  
• It's an "A." Now can you see it?

Contributed by Tabby:

• Doctor to child: Read the bottom line. Are you sure you can't see it? Try this lens. No? Are you sure? Positive? Okay, hon. (sigh) Every child goes through a stage when they want glasses. After all, they look rather good on some people. Look at me, for example... But I know you can see. I'm a doctor, you can't trick me, and lying is wrong. Now, read the bottom line...

• Doctor to teenager: "Here are your bioptic glasses. We were thinking you could wear them in class and retake driver's ed, after you get used to them. The other kids will think they are neat looking."
  Teenager: "Can I just tattoo 'Ridicule and mock me' on my forehead?"
  Doctor (huffily): They aren't glasses, they're tools.

Contributed by Bob Yarbrough:

• Nurse to patient: "You know the routine."

Possible retorts:

• You mean hands against the wall, feet back and spread 'em? (Steve Givner, O.D.)
  
• Go into a song-and-dance rendition of "The More I See You." (Dan Roberts)

Contributed by Olive Barresi:

• Anecdote: After being diagnosed with MD, I returned to my doctor, hoping to get some answers. After my check-up, he said, "There is nothing I can do for you. God did this to your eyes. Now please leave, as I have other people waiting." I should have given him five across the lip and told him, "God told me to do that."

Contributed by Ralph Nave:

• Anecdote: During my first visit to the doctor, I pointed out to the nurse that the large quantity of magazines spread around the waiting room weren't very useful to someone like me who couldn't even see the big E on the chart. She sympathized with me by suggesting that I watch the small TV instead.

• Later, same visit, Doc said, "Here, take a look at this photo of your retina, and I'll show you why you can't see."

• Much later, same visit:

Me to Doctor: "So you say I'm going blind?"
Doctor: "Not necessarily. What can you see with your bad eye?"
Me: "Nothing."
Doctor: "Well, that's what you'll see with your other eye, too."

Contributed by Alan Wilson:

• Doctor: "Do you wear glasses normally?"
  Me: Why? How should I wear them?

• Specialist (helping me to register as legally blind): "We have to fill out this form. Please read it, and sign at the bottom. Oh, and remember to read the small print on the back."

Contributed by Christine Taylor:

• Doctor to his 29-year-old patient: "You have age-related macular degeneration. Any questions?"

• Everything is fine. We want to see you back in six weeks.

Contributed by Scott Taylor:

• Nurse reading results: "Your right eye is fine. There were no changes."
  Patient: "But I came into the office because I saw changes in my LEFT eye."
  Nurse: "Oh. (pause) That eye is fine, too. Now when would you like your next appointment?"

• Patient: "You either don't talk to me or you use medical terms that I don't understand. Why is that?"
  Doctor: "That's what I do when I don't know the answers."

• Woman: "These new glasses give me headaches, and everything is fuzzy and unclear."
  Optician: "Just keep wearing them, it may take a couple of days for your eyes to adjust . . . Wait. Your name isn't Bob, is it?"

Contributed by Fran Scott:

• Why do you need to find out how quickly it's progressing? You'll be able to see that for yourself.
  
• It doesn't matter if you have to wait six months for a fluorescin angiogram. If it is Stargardt's, its untreatable, so you won't be losing out by waiting.
  
• The day before being told I had Stargardt's: "With visual acuity as good as yours, I can tell you now that there's nothing wrong with your eyes."