Several times over these many years, I have been asked how a person might obtain free directory assistance service from their phone company. This is a wonderful concept offered by most states, whereby a vision-impaired person can simply pick up their receiver, dial 1-411, and ask the operator to connect them at no cost. Each time I have been asked how to apply for the service, I have tried to find out by calling my regional Bell Telephone company, only to become entangled in such a maze of automated phone prompts and confused humans that I have always given up in frustration. Finally, I decided to quit acting like a victim and chop my way through the jungle until I found someone who could actually give me an answer. After trying several routes over several days that led me to dead ends (usually signified by a confused human saying "hmmm"), here are the thirty easy steps I found that you need to follow:
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1. Make sure you are a Bell Telephone customer. (The other companies may provide free directory assistance, but my life is too short to find out.) 2. Call the billing department at 1-800-585-7928. Don't call 1-800-464-7928. That's customer service, and you'll be sorry. Also, don't call 1-888-671-0514. According to one representative, that was supposed to be the billing department, but the guy in billing had no idea whose number it was. Someday, I'll call it out of curiousity. 3. Listen to a 90-second commercial message. This is exactly how long you are told that you will need to remain on hold until someone can speak with you. It's always 90 seconds. Never more, never less. Exactly the length of the commercial message. Hmmm. 4. When prompted, enter your 10-digit telephone number. 5. Enter any number for which you hear the word "billing" in the automatic voice prompt. This was #4 for me, but they later told me it might change at any time, so don't count on it. 6. Enter any number for which you hear the phrase "arrange billing payments" in the automatic voice prompt. I didn't memorize that number, because I knew I couldn't count on it. 7. When prompted, enter the last four digits of your account number, which is in the upper left corner of your phone bill, which is neatly filed away somewhere. 8. Run upstairs, find the shoebox of last month's receipts under the bed, find the one you are looking for (the one on the bottom of the pile), and run back downstairs to the phone. 9. Repeat steps 2-7, because you have been disconnected. 10. With the phone receipt in hand, enter the last four digits of your account number. 11. Since the numbers are in size 7 font, look for your hand-held lighted magnifier. 12. Realizing that you left it upstairs in the shoebox, run. 13. Find it, run back downstairs, and enter the numbers. 14. Repeat steps 2-10, because you have been disconnected. 16. Listen to the entire second movement of a lovely string quartet by Mozart. 17. A human will eventually answer and ask you for your 10-digit telephone number. 18. Don't bother to argue that you have already punched that in twice back at step #4, because they don't want to hear you whine. 19. Give the human your phone number. 20. The human will ask for your name as it appears on your phone bill. 21. If you don't know which page of the receipt that is on, don't bother running upstairs again, because you mailed it with your payment. 22. Give any name, and hope the human doesn't become miffed if you are wrong. 23. Miffed, the human will ask how it can help you anyway. 24. Say, "I would like to receive a request form for directory assistance exemption." 25. If the human says "hmmm," immediately ask to speak with a manager. That's the secret. Don't try to explain it to the human, because it will only get more confused and start transferring you to places unknown. 26. Listen to the third movement of that string quartet. 27. The manager will eventually come on the line. 28. Repeat, "I would like to receive a request form for directory assistance exemption." 29. If the manager doesn't say "hmmm," you have succeeded! 30. You will receive the form in the mail in a few days. Sign it, have your eye care specialist verify it, and mail it back to the address shown. That's all there is to it. |
Hmmm.